Because Fat Looks Better When It’s Neon and Comes with a Soundtrack.

Hi Internet,

It’s me, Guilty Pete. The holiday season got the best of me, and like any Santa-drunk lover of Christmas, I ignored all else until now. I call this period the Christmas Blues Hangover, where you realize that the world didn’t actually stop turning because it was the week of Christmas…okay, for me, month of Christmas.

I hope Santa was good to you all this year. There were many events in our country around the holidays that were cause for moments of silence. My heart goes out to everyone who had reason to mourn this season.

As for myself, I was waiting for the other shoe to drop too. The Thanksgiving to Christmas span has historically been not so great for our family – car accidents, illness, funerals. As a lover of Christmas, it was especially irritating to feel my anxiety level spike as we neared the one day I look forward to all year. Thank goodness this year we were spared. My dad did get a cold, but that was our only casualty of the season.

This year, I felt like I had more Christmases than I have ever had before. Husband Dearest is still lucky enough to have both sets of grandparents, which means a grand total of FIVE Christmases – Husband Dearest’s Mom’s Family, Husband Dearest’s Dad’s Family, My Immediate Family, My Extended Family and last but not least, Husband Dearest’s Immediate Family.

I completely came back to our apartment having put the jolly back in the holidays – most of it traveling back home in and over my jeans. Ugh. At any moment, I expect Jack Hannah to show up with a video camera and crew to film me as I go into hibernation. Husband Dearest ran into a sale at the J. Crew outlet stores near us when shopping for my Christmas gift this year and decided that the sale was so good, I couldn’t miss stocking up on essentials.

So what does this Jolly, Chunky, Christmas Treat Junkie do?
She goes to the J. Crew store with him yesterday and buys turquoise corduroy pants…because fat looks better when its neon and comes with a soundtrack.

Sale Soldiers – Black Friday Boredom Busters

Some of you more motivated then Yours Truly will be in line at any number of favorite stores this week, starting Thanksgiving night and heading on through the morning. Despite Turkey Coma and Ham Hangover, your endorphins will get you through at least the first hour.

But what then? How long can you look at Facebook, Twitter or play Bejeweled on your phone before you have to weigh the battery to entertainment ratio?

Here are some suggestions for people watching games. Most of them work really well if your coffee is spiked:

  1. Hair. Real or Not Real? This can also be played with a few other things (Boobs or Foobs?)
  2. Name Game – Just start calling out random names. If someone turns around – your buddy takes a little nipsy-poo of the coffee. Try not to get beat up in line – this one is not a friend-maker.
  3. Slug a Sunglasses – Most Black Friday Sales are in the dark of night or morning. If you see someone still wearing sunglasses, they are a douche. Slug them and then both you and your buddy can drink. Word of warning – make sure they are not blind first. That’s not okay.

Best of luck to you Sale Soldiers. I hope you all get what you want for your family and friends and that you all live to tell about it.

…and because I would be remiss if I didn’t…check out your nearby Central Texas Anytime Fitness for their awesome pie-buster Black Friday specials!!